Go Free Yourself

Now you don’t have to choose just one candidate. I mean, seriously, what a hassle that has been. Simply vote the McCain/Clinton/Obama ticket this November and watch all your nightmares come true.

“This nightmare ticket presents the American people with an unprecedented lack of opportunity in 2008,” Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen wrote Tuesday. “For just one vote, citizens will get four years of McCain’s brilliant temper, the incredible inexperience of Barack Obama, and the powerful two-headed monster of Hillary and Bill Clinton.”

“It will be very exciting to see what they’re capable of destroying, ” Cohen added.

Read more here.

This presidential race is intense. Hillary’s dodging sniper fire. Obama’s trying to shush his crazy pastor. McCain is…well, what is McCain doing?

Anyway, maybe it’s time for a fresh new candidate to shake things up. Someone like General Zod, perhaps.

When I first came to your planet and demanded your homes, property and very lives, I didn’t know you were already doing so, willingly, with your own government. I can win no tribute from a bankrupted nation populated by feeble flag-waving plebians. In 2008 I shall restore your dignity and make you servants worthy of my rule. This new government shall become a tool of my oppression. Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty. I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote.

—General Zod
Your Future President and Eternal Ruler

Enjoy.

According to a report from the AP, researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society have discovered some intriguing family ties among this year’s presidential candidates:

Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary Rodham Clinton is related to Pitt’s girlfriend, Angelina Jolie.

Also on Clinton’s family tree? Madonna, Alanis Morissette, and Celine Dion.

Obama has a much more politically-charged lineage, including distant cousins like George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry Truman, James Madison, Dick Cheney, Winston Churchill, and Robert E. Lee.

Oh, and lest we forget McCain, he’s distantly related to Laura Bush.

Pass the potato salad; family reunions at the White House just got a lot more interesting.

(Hat Tip: Fark.com. You may have noticed I go there a lot. That’s because it’s awesome.)

I’ve said it before: Hillary Clinton is an unstoppable monster.

Except now, it’s not so much that she keeps surviving the race against all odds—it’s that she won’t pull out of the race even though her odds of winning are very slim. David Brooks of the New York Times wrote a great op-ed yesterday about her “Long Defeat”; you can read it here.

Oh, and the Obama Girl has some stuff to say about this, too:

I have so far resisted commenting on the madness that surrounds this year’s presidential campaign (or, as the Onion puts it, “War for the White House”). Partly because I don’t really think I have anything to say about it that hasn’t already been said 10 gazillion other times—but mostly because I’m just…weary. Coverage has been going for over a year now, with eight months to go. Eight long months.

I have, however, kept up with the basic updates in the campaign. And after last week’s primaries, there seemed to be one consistent theme to the stories and blog posts I perused that covered election news: Hillary Clinton is an unstoppable monster.

Here are two examples I had to share: Andrew Sullivan called Hillary & Bill the “horror film that never ends,” and The Cagle Post (Cartoons & Commentary) compared her to “one of those zombies you shoot and stab and knock upside the head with a nail-studded two-by-four dipped in some rare, poisonous South American giant-toad secretion. And she just keeps coming at you.”

I’m not sure if this is better or worse than my husband’s comparison of Hillary to Ben Linus of LOST.

Either way, we’re in trouble.