Go Free Yourself

This is pretty low, even for politicians: New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) promised a bundle of service improvements if they could raise fares. Now, days after the fare hike went into effect, the MTA has announced it can’t fulfill its promise of improving 11 subway lines and adding new bus routes because “there just isn’t enough money for improvements.”

Umm…then where exactly is the money from the fare hike going?!

Read more here.

The city of Chicago is on a budget crunch, and its citizens are already the highest-taxed in the country, but why not get the Chicago Police Department a whole new fleet of SUVs?!

This is the latest brilliant idea from the powers that be. At a Chicago Crime Commission luncheon on Wednesday, Police Superintendent Jody Weis “said he would like to update the department’s ‘horrible’ fleet of squad cars…with Chicago’s rugged winters, a sport-utility vehicle might make more sense than the traditional Ford Crown Victoria.”

Rugged winters? Give me a break. I know it’s cold and we get some snow, but this isn’t exactly Alaska. I don’t know if Weis has bothered to take a quick tour of Chicago’s topography lately, but it’s pretty much a big flat grid. I’m actually not sure if Chicago could be any farther from rugged terrain.

Also on the shopping list? Better flashlights and more uniform guns. Chicagoans, your tax dollars at work.

(To be fair, Weis did note that these changes could be difficult to implement given the city’s financial crunch. He also touched on a variety of other plans to improve the police force. But, seriously. A whole new fleet of taxpayer-funded SUVs? You’ve got to be kidding.)

This story is a few days old, but it just grows more ridiculous with time: last Tuesday, voters in Riviera Beach, Florida approved a ban against sagging pants (which reveal skin or your underwear), violation of which will earn you a fine. $150 or community service for the first offense; $300 or more community service for the second. Oh, and regular violators could spend 60 days in the slammer.

Now, it should be mentioned that this ban was overwhelmingly approved by Riviera Beach voters—I’m talking 72 percent—many of whom are elderly. But no matter how badly these whippersnappers dress, there’s no reason the government should be getting involved in something this ridiculous. I mean, at least they’re WEARING pants.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t like the Buttcrack & Boxer Shorts Parade any more than anyone else. But all I have to do to avoid it is close my eyes, or turn around, or yell insulting comments (public humiliation is one of the best catalysts for change)—I don’t need to go tattling to the police.

So, let’s hear it: how many times have you gotten stuck in a public bathroom stall without toilet paper?

It’s annoying, for sure. But do we really need to get the government involved?

Well, according to State Senator Victor Crist (R-Fl.), we do. Crist feels so strongly about “wiping away the problem,” (I couldn’t resist!) that he’s pushing SB 836, which will ensure that all restaurant restrooms have ‘enough toilet paper’ and will also regulate the cleanliness of these restrooms.

Sadly, he’s not the only one who thinks this is a good idea—the Senate Regulated Industries Committee approved the bill on Monday. But it has two more stops before the Senate floor, so someone please stop the madness!

Poor little Bryan Ruda.

This spunky six-year-old boy has been suspended from kindergarten in Parma, Ohio because his hair is cooler than the other kids’.

Bryan has been warned three times about his mohawk, which is banned because it supposedly “interferes with the content of education” and “distracts other children.”

Please. The school system clearly hates children with style, and the other kids are jealous.

“I understand they have a dress code. I understand he has a uniform. But this is total discrimination,” said Bryan’s mother, Michelle Barile. “They can’t tell me how I can cut his hair.”

Amen!

The real question here is: where are the students with mullets? This is Parma, Ohio, after all. (I grew up in the Midwest, I can say this. I have seen plenty of mullets during my time in southwest Michigan.) Why aren’t the mulleted students getting suspended? Because THAT is a hair style that should be banned.